Pooterville, GA.--With the recent, and most unfortunate, rash of exploding cow barns, scientists have been discovering that cow farts are largely constructed of the highly flammable and explosive Methane gas, which is why the barns explode, even with the simplest of static sparks. Imagine! A simple poot doing that! Now they are discovering that the gas causes vertigo if exposure is excessive.

    One amusing footnote is that the child upon whom the study was performed was born on a Thursday, which prompted the cute but precocious boy to name the condition..."fartigo", which brought guffaws, chortles, gasps, and various other forms of proto-language. So now when people say that "Thursday's Child has far to go", it just might help you to remember the bravery of this young child of Thursday who, almost single-handedly, brought proper ventilation to America's fine slaughterhouses...who have not had a very good year due to bad karma.

Hank Gurdjieff Wins Father's Hairdo, Stern Fuming
NEW YORK, NEW YORK-- The son of bald mystic, Georges Gurdjieff, was stunned to learn Friday that his father's hairdo has been left for him to inherit, seriously pissing him off as he is none other than shock-jock, Howard Stern. Stern (Gurdjieff) has often commented on the "Gurdjieffization of America", noting the proliferation of pilgarlics and chrome domes among his peers. "And yet", the younger Gurdjieff notes, I always thought I would remain girlish throughout my exalted lifespan." Stern (Gurdjieff) plans to shave the head by Thanksgiving of this year.

Bullets May Cause Lead Poisoning
BRUGES, BELGIUM-- Belgian scientists have discovered that gunshot wounds are one of the leading caused of lead poisoning, and that lead poisoning is the reason most people die from fatal gunshot wounds. The findings have lead some scientists to ponder the possibility of making bullets out of vitamins, nuts, minerals or other substances which have less deleterious effects on lifeforms.

   "One day we might see doctors with guns, healing patients over great distances...with the help of vitabombs, vitabullets, and so on. There is talk about a grenade launched herbal salad as well as an Intercontinental Ballistic "Hot Bar." At any rate there is a lot of excitement going on at the place where guns meet medicine. Some day guns may be able to conquer death completely. Look at how effectively they cure life! It is but a few short steps from life to death, and now guns are making the distance even shorter. Guns Longa, Vita Brevis!

Guns Are For Chickens
WACO,TX-- In an effort to stem the tide of chicken poaching, Waco officials have passed the nation's first law which allows members of the poultry class to arm themselves. The chickens, it seems, have started a trend. Turkeys and other types of fowl have also been arming themselves, and scientists now say that many of them have increased their personal effectiveness by leaps and bounds, and that their confidence has also been on the increase.

    In a related story, Frank Purdue, the great liberator of chickens from earthly life, has called on the National Guard to protect him at his country estate. Apparently he is being held hostage by a throng of angry, armed poultry.

     Purdue, who resembles a chicken, since he is not immune to that law of nature which basically says that if you remove a certain "essence class", or species...you have to replace that essence with your own being.

L.L. RoboRapdog, husband and pimp of Lakeisha Baldridge (author of "Etiquette Indiscreet") was addicted to crack. Now he's addicted to Coke.

Cola Addicts Seek Retribution YOGURTS,IA--The millions of cola addicts around the world now have a way to vent their frustrations, and maybe make a few bucks in the process. And the tobacco company executives are to thank.    It seems the "line of liars" show that they put on before congress created such interest in addictive products, and their unfair advantage over the consumer, that all of the addictive products and services are now coming under the microscope. Colas, coffee, alcoholic beverages, nasal sprays, and other products that have addictive substances added to them are currently under fire, and much money is due to change hands.     It is not too late to become addicted to a product, and thus qualify for a portion of the class action settlement. For more information on how to become an addict, please call us and we will send you a current pusher list.

Important Things to Know

M I L L E N N I A L   W E I R D N E S S

"Little Alien" Elected Pope of Cuba

Nubile Babe to Blame

BIG HAVANA--Elian "Speedy" Gonzales, boy wonder and spiritual leader of Miami, has been elected to becoming the sitting Pope of Cuba, although Elian has clearly stated a preferencing for standing, but would like to punctuate it with the occasional jumping jack, just to contribute to the weirdness which is the calling card of the New Millennium.

     Elian's position will be purely titular, since he is too young for it to be missionary, and also because of his close ties with his cute cousin was also quite titular.

     Cardinals and Oreolas has yet to be named.

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Interesting Bullshit

United States of Earth is Founded: Galaxy Spirals Out of Control

Cosmic Egg Consumes East Coast City: Crack, Pink Planets Blamed

Being-For-Itself Meets Godzilla

Billy Graham Joins Black Sabbath

Etceterrata

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Prince Albert Gore Vidal Sassoon's INANE PLATITUDES FROM THE DEEP
Philosophers and Their Cute Little Thoughts!

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A Million Years Ago Today  Dead Sea Scrolls Come Alive!   DEAD SEA -- Exactly one million years ago today, the earth saw it's first Dead Sea Scroll, and apparently it was really neat, although no one really knew what the hell it said. Some claimed that it was a book of recipes, while others claimed that it contained to actual thoughts of Jesus, his wife, Mary Magdalene, and their children. The Freemasons and the Cheapmasons are in bitter disagreement regarding the actual content of this first scroll, but both agree that it would pull down some serious cashish on eBay. Both swear it is out of the question, thankfully. More expensive masons are keeping silent.

ABNEGATION   IS  ADAPTATION

First Trillionaire to Speak at Pancake Breakfast NEWARK, N.J.-- The world's most secretive and richest hominid, Hugh McCool, is coming out of hiding in order to be the guest speaker at St. Alphonso's Pancake Breakfast this Sunday at the Parish of St. Alphonso here in beautiful Newark. The topic will be "Dreams are for sissies. True or false?". The event will be hosted by the Society for the Renaming of the Clitoris, headquartered in Jackson Hole

Sirians, Plaiedians Battle Over Water Rights SIRIUS--Things are looking pretty grim here in Sirius, as the Plaiedians are utilizing the fact that they have 7 stars over Sirius' mere 2. The whole thing, Peter, is that it is all so cosmic, at least from the perspective of a merely planetary being. The problem, it seems, is that a Sirian comet was sold to "the Plaiedes Islands" (as they prefer to call their home [which we should respect -editor]) but the check never cleared, and in the meantime the comet got away, and dropped a good bit of its payload on Earth...which, as you may recall, Peter, was how we got here in the first place.  And so they are fighting over who will come to earth to recollect the water, and then on to the Islands, the check will be released, bla, bla, bla.     This little skirmish, which I am now dodging and witnessing, intermittently, is really nothing more than a venting of tensions, I suspect, and normalized relations will probably return in only a few short millennia.     Lastly, I would like to apologize for throwing in those subliminal sexual innuendoes. In defense, I will only say that I could have used a stronger word than peter. And editor! I told you it wasn't supposed to be capitalized!! See Photo

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